Let the love in
by MandyAnn
Summary: Remus doesn't know how to be free, or let go, or feel anything but what is logical and right. Sirius wants him to try these strange new things. They're dangerous and wrong but God is it worth it. "Just two hits, Moony." RL/SB/JP Slash Drug use


**Warning: Rated M. Slash. Drug use. etc.. **

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, or the magical world in which they live. JKR owns those. Lyrics belong to the Beatles.

POV: Remus Lupin.

**XX**

"Follow her down to a bridge by a fountain

Where rocking horse people eat marshmellow pies,

Everyone smiles as you drift past the flowers,

That grow so incredibly high.

Newspaper taxis appear on the shore,

Waiting to take you away.

Climb in the back with your head in the clouds,

And you're gone. "

**XX**

"Oh come on Moony, it's the seventies after all."

I have to hear that atleast once a week. Always from the same person. He always has to be the one person who has to push. I don't know _how_ to be free and liberated and all of that nonsense. I don't know how to be like Sirius.

"I don't think I should, I don't know what would-"

"Just two hits Moony. Two." He has glassy grey doll eyes, half-closed already, lips dry and parted pushing smoke into the thick air.

I take the joint from his hand. I'm terrifed. Completely terrified. What will happen? I'll lose control, babble like an idiot. I can't do that I can't I can't!

Inhale. (Oh God it burns my throat.)

Exhale.

"One more, Rem." I love when he calls me 'Rem' Just him though. James and Peter, their mouths can't quite make the sound right.

Inhale. (Hold it, Hold it, Hold it.)

Exhale. That was it. That was all I agreed to.

My hands move without my permission. And my lungs expand of their own accord.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Inhale.

Exhale.

"Rem, Rem, I don't think you need that much." He's smiling , and chuckling. I stared at him as I handed back the joint. He was staring straight back at me. This feels like a dream, or a memory it doesn't look re-

"Padfoot pass that this way." James. I forgot James was here. So it's started. The short-term-memory loss. I knew this would happen. I've read about it. In the time I was thinking James must have recieved his request.

"Moony, we need to teach you." James' voice was thick with smoke, I snapped my head over in his direction, and raised my eyebrows inquiringly. I don't know how to work my mouth anymore. "How to let yourself go."

Sirius smiled. "Give up Prongs. You'll never teach our friend here how to let the love in."

I was insulted. I didn't know how to love? I loved my friends. And my parents. And my collection of first edition novels.

"I know how to love!" Oh so that's what my voice sounds like, I was beginning to forget.

"You do." Sirius turned to me, leaving James to smoke contentedly. "What I said was that you didn't know how to let love_ in_."

I stared. How do you let love in? It's not a tangible thing you can swallow down like Christmas pudding. I searched, searched searched, through my mental library. There was no text for this. No story to tell me what to do when your eyes feel heavy, and your head feels light, and the world is spinning, and stationary at the same time.

"You don't know what I mean do you?" He whispered, pulling a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and lighting it in one swift motion. I shook my head. It felt too heavy. And light. and purple. Purple? Is that a feeling? I think I may feel rather purple. Sirius moved closer to me, he caught my by surprise. His free hand reached out and rested on my chest.

"Concentrate Remus." His voice was serious, and his eyes were swirling mercury. "Concentrate on right now, on me touching you. Can you feel it? Can you feel it coming off of me? Can you feel it from James?"

What the hell was he talking about? I couldn't feel anything but his hand, his big, hairy-knuckled 16-year-old-boy hand.

"Concentrate." He whispered again. I shut my eyes. They felt good that way. my eyes were comfortable. I felt them there, I felt there presence, like I always did. The vague understanding that yes, there are two other people sharing this dark patch of star-lit grass with me. I thought maybe I felt something else. It was warm because of them. I could hear him smoking his cigarette, smell the smoke leaving his mouth.

I Could feel them. All around. A foreign substance in the air, and perhaps, just perhaps, my skin was semi-permeable. Little bits of that warmth was seeping in. His hand was still on my chest. I lay backward, I needed to be sturdily on the ground. His hand followed me down. It was tracing circles on my stomach while I thought.

I opened my eyes. No. This could not be happening. There was no way that Sirius and James could be kissing. Sirius's free hand was rubbing over the -ahem- 'tent' in James' pants. While James held onto Sirius' hips tightly, hungrily. I sat bolt upright. Sirius pulled himself from our friend's mouth, leaving his arm draped casually around the quidditch player's waist.

"What are you-"

"Ssshh, shh, Rem." He pulled himself away from James completely. "There's something I want you to try."

He reached into his cigarette case and pulled out a tiny square of paper, with a colorful design on it. LSD. Acid. I knew what this was, and I knew what it did. So why did I say yes?

"How do I do it?" I bet that question sounded stupid and naive. He put a hand on my chin.

"Hold your tongue out."

I did as he said. He set the insignificantly sized paper onto my tongue. I closed my mouth and felt it disolve.

"Now I want you to relax." I heard him from far far away. "It'll take a while to work, now put your head down on my lap, love."

I complied, I did everything he said. And after a while of silently feeling him there it started. I was dizzy and for a moment I was anxious. I felt giddy. I opened my eyes, and saw Sirius looking down at me, his image warped and discolored, changing changing changing every second.

It's unbelievable, all these colors, the stars, the shapes. Everything rushing around me and standing perfectly still. I could feel Sirius' hand still on my stomach. It felt good. It felt amazing. It felt like the center of the universe right there on my belly. I could feel James too. But he wasn't touching me, I couldn't feel him enough. I reached out. It took several seconds but I found his hand. Yes, yes, yes, I could feel him. He felt like love and softness, and color, and sound and every other sense. I brought his hand to my cheek. He was watching me. They both were. They were saying things but I couldn't hear them. I watched the stars moving, changing.

I saw the moon. My heart jumped. It was growing, growing growing. Oh God no, no this can't happen. It's expanding! The dim crescant that was lighting us was getting larger, rounder. I couldn't breathe. I felt James pull his hand from mine and pull me up. I felt sirius cup my cheeks in his hands. I could see each of his long eyelashes.

"What is it?" His eyes were searching my face and his voice broke the barrier over my ears "What's wrong?"

"The moon." I Choked reaching up and pointing behind him to the sky. "It's going to fill up." I clutched onto Sirius desperately. My heartbeat was moving so fast it hurt. It was going to break all my ribs and escape. I clutched harder, held onto Sirius' uniform for dear life. He could save me. I believed it, he could save me from myself.

He put our foreheads together. His hands didn't leave my cheeks. he pulled me onto his lap so I was straddling him. He breathed slowly and surely.

"Just breathe baby, c'mon." He whispered. "Sshh, shh. Everything's alright." I believed him then. I looked up and the moon was still a crescent, it was magenta, but it certainly wasn't full. My heart was trying desperately to slow down, and my lungs felt tired.

I remember what skin felt like. His skin. James' skin. My skin. _Our_ skin. All together, rubbing and aching, and breathing. Free. I remember the tastes and the scents, But for the life of me I can't remember any words. Just the ones at the very beginning.

"Do you want this?"

"Is this okay?"

"Are you ready?"

Rushing, thrusting, and sweat. Ins and outs and sides and ups and downs all melting into eachother. There were noises from all of us. They weren't grotesque or innapropriate. They didn't sound like sex. The sounded like bits of our souls coming out of our mouths. I learned things about them. The way James' shoulders slumped in exhaustion. The way Sirius' breathing turned ragged, and his legs tensed. I learned that I could feel every cell in my body. That every one of them was full of the two of them. Every single cell was going to burst with what was pouing into me.

What was it, that was pouring in?

What was it?

**A/N: I love writing people on drugs, and I love the Marauders so this is what happened! It's not much. I could turn it into a whole story about teaching Remus to let go, but I wanted to see how this went first. If you like it please review, and let me know if you think I should keep going. **

**I'm working on a brand new laptop right now and I haven't put on a word processor yet so please forgive spelling and grammar mistakes. **

**And the stuff that Sirius and James say is more in line with the credo of the sixties, but I would think that there would be lingering influence through-out the seventies. Plus I think the boys would listen to some good old sixties music. **

**Thanks for reading!**


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